I think we can all agree I have my own unique view of the world and inner workings of the universal forces that not only govern, but influence us. I love that about myself. I love that sometimes they are so different than others that I have to stop and ask if I’m missing something or did I take one too many blows to the head as a child. To be clear, I don’t love the blows I took but I have often wondered if they knocked something loose to allow me to see in such a, what seems clear to me but not to others, way. These views have created some hilarious conversations with my friends when they say “what the hell are you talking about?” and have also created some separation from others when they couldn’t or didn’t want to hear what I felt.
Howard used to say to me “hon, just because it’s in your head, doesn’t mean it is in others.” I can appreciate that. I wouldn’t want everyone to think the same. How boring would that be? However, occasionally I get responses to me just being me that honestly confound me. I was helping someone not beat themselves up so much for the emotions they were feeling. (Everyone repeat after me “Emotions are all valid. What I feel, I feel and I am valid in feeling them.”) She was doing a better number on herself than any other person possibly could so my job really was to point out that she had already beaten herself up enough and more is not necessarily better.
We were making headway, as much as you can over text, and then she said “but I want to be like you and never lose my cool and act immature.” I took what probably felt like an eternity to answer her, leaving those three dots just dancing, as I contemplated what she said. This person has known me for over ten years. Surely I had lost my stuffing at some point in all that time, hadn’t I? Well, perhaps not in her presence I realized. I’m not a public effuser. I don’t take my rants to the public channels to garner attention or validation. I will generate joy or participation in support of a cause, but meltdowns in public just aren’t my thing. I tend to save my ugly cry for therapy. Man, I love therapy.
What it got me thinking though was how much pressure and self judgment she felt comparing herself to me at a time when she already had a bunch of other emotions flying through. Now, I know I am not responsible for her processing but it made me think about how much conflict within comes from comparing our lives to those outside. Isn’t there enough to go through without that on top of it?
I’ve been on the other end of people comparing my lives to theirs out loud and have always affirmed we are all different and encouraged them to not compare but didn’t realize it was so pervasive. So, I thought I would clear up a few things in case anyone else is doing the comparing game of their lives to others.
- Everyone poops. Sure, some may do it in a diaper. Some may have colostomy bags. Some may have trouble pooping, but everyone does. (Thought I’d get the most obvious one out the way first.)
- Other people hurt. I know this so deeply I can’t even talk about it without crying. Everyone has pain or has lived through it. Even that person you so despise has hurt and probably acts the way they do because of it. Not an excuse, but true.
- Everyone loses their stuffing at times. EVERYONE! We are responsible where we spill that stuffing, but everyone does. Doctors, lawyers, veterinarians, coaches, therapists, teachers, mom’s, dad’s, aunties and uncles. Everyone!
- Other people cry (or have the ability to). It’s a natural clearing from the inside. Why else would tears be salty if they weren’t for clearing?
- Any parent/guardian/caretaker/spouse/partner et al who says they never resented, got angry with, wanted to disappear or have the other disappear, is lying. Most especially to themselves, but if you feel this, please take deep breaths. It will pass but it’s ok that you felt it.
- Everyone has dreams. They could be so buried under the subconscious layer of “That’s not for me” they can’t find it, but it is there.
- My favorite ever “everyone has rolls when they sit down”. I read that somewhere and love it. You have a body, yes? It works for the most part, right? Then stop hating on it or comparing it to others. Appreciate what it does for you and how amazing your cells are. But also know everyone has some area they aren’t thrilled with and that is ok, but be kind about it. (To the person saying “But the culture teaches us to compare to photoshop models. No. No it does not. You are an adult, I assume if you are reading my blog. You and you alone have the ability to compare for you.No one else. Those days are over. Change that programming.)
I work with people from all walks of life, all careers, level of education on the soul and human level. I work with those who have experienced trauma I can’t even imagine waking up and walking through life after. I’ll admit, I sometimes have to dial myself back when others are talking about events in their lives like they are trauma (such as not getting a good parking spot or faster waitress) from popping them in the third eye. But that would be comparing and that would probably be assault. You’d bail me out thought, right? Right?
My point is that we are all living unique to us experiences and while comparing may feel like you are drawing in some sort of supportive system, it really only acts to separate your energy from you. So, embrace what you may have in common with others if that helps you stop judging you but then get out there an be your amazing individual self. If you find yourself down, get up. Then get up again! This life thing isn’t a all the time happy pursuit. That would be terrible too. Stop judging yourself if you get down. It happens. Do something so you don’t stay there. Get up again.
P.S. If those beliefs are getting in the way, you know where to find me. I can help.