One of the things I find fascinating about people is their tendency to believe that their power or happiness comes from another. I’ll admit this took me a long time to learn but I am so grateful to whatever cosmic two by four that allowed it to sink into my gray matter.
I hear almost daily about how someone else has ruined my client’s life. How someone else has betrayed them either through infidelity, business dealings, the other person’s own emotional baggage, or that they’ve changed seemingly without notice. I am sure there are a bunch more reasons that someone would feel betrayed but I wonder if it truly is betrayal.
Perhaps, it isn’t betrayal but rather the other person needing to do what is best for them or what they feel, in that moment, is best for them. Granted not everyone acts in an upfront manner, so occasionally this could look like it was devious behavior. For example, when a relationship is not in alignment with one member and rather than having a conversation with the other member they start seeing someone else. While this looks like a classic case of betrayal, I believe it is the first person’s inability to communicate what they really want that has them acting out in the first place. We can leave room for them behaving in a manipulative and unscrupulous manner, because maybe they did, but if we don’t look at the other options, we are shortchanging our own growth.
I had a recent experience where I had to grapple with this one myself. A former friend stop communication very abruptly and while I am not one to chase another relationship, I still had to wonder had I done anything? What was my part in the lack of communication? Should I reach out and ask is there anything that can be done? Or do I leave it alone and be thankful for the great conversations we’ve had and learn from this experience as once again, I am not in charge of everyone else.
Go ahead, guess which one I did?
You’re correct if you said leave it alone and be thankful. I won’t deny the fact that I felt hurt. I know I’m responsible for those emotions if I feel hurt. No one else can hurt my feelings. That one is on me. Besides, it wasn’t the person that I was hurt about it was the abrupt end to communication. I took the opportunity to look at my relationships and what I bring to them. I know above all I am honest in my interactions with people. If someone is not getting something from a relationship with me, I feel it is their responsibility to speak up. After all, I don’t read minds. Really…that is not what intuitive means!
I could call it betrayal and the other person was being disloyal to me, but that would keep me trapped in the poor me place and I only allow that in small increments of five minutes tops! In the above case, I know that it has to do with the others that are in my friend’s life and an inability on my former friends part to balance life. I honor that, respect it, and I’m grateful for everything I learned as it was not a long relationship, but it was fun while it lasted.
Another meaning of the word betrayal is to reveal or exhibit. Perhaps the persons in our lives we feel are being disloyal are really showing us what they are capable of when in a relationship? What if, this person who was in my life, was really showing me what opportunistic looks like and to be aware of that in the future. What a great teacher wouldn’t you agree? Great teachers don’t always know they are teachers so please be aware you are ALWAYS a student.
Perhaps if you experience this in your life, you will take the time to ask yourself “what is there for me to learn?” If you are the one that is revealing to others, be willing to look at that as well and learn to communicate what you would like rather than waiting until your behavior reveals itself.
I wish you a life of easy lessons but if they aren’t, please pay attention so you can shorten the time frame and reverberation from those 2×4’s!